My Heart
gold-rimmed and guarded
slowly slipping off chains of
hesitation
and heavy with the
wait.
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Inumbro Ergo Sum - I cast a shadow, therefore I am.
About Me
- Thor
- I like to paint sparkles on my toes so I can look at the stars whenever I want. Also I like bread. A lot.
Okay. Wowzers my darling. First off I absolutely love the last two stanzas. They are exquisite. I can practically feel the anticipation. Like my mind is hissing, "What? What damnit?! (Read: What's going to happen)" The only line I think needs a little revision is the "slowly slipping off chains of" line. There is something in the way you've presented that imagery that's not as poignant as the rest. It seemed a little out of place when I first read this. This isn't to say that this isn't a good line; the alliteration works well both visually and when read aloud--my synesthesia even kicks in a bit at it, and the echoing imagery (yea I just made that up) mirrors that really interestingly; slowly slipping of the chains, or in other words hesitatingly slipping off the chains of hesitation. See? Very cool, but I feel like devices of that sort might be misplaced in something so simple. Call me crazy.
ReplyDeletechloe you are my favorite person.
ReplyDeletehaha ok first: thank you :) this is one of my favorites because it is the most concise autobiography I will probably ever write. (As you can see the others are becoming novels and 20-page short stories! :P) I also love the double meaning of the word "wait" - the way it "weighs" down the poem and hangs off it, and how it adds to the imagery of the poem.
ALSO I love your synesthesia.
But on the second line - I see what you mean... Maybe if I don't change the words but change the presentation:
My Heart
gold-rimmed and guarded
slowly slipping off
chains of
hesitation
and heavy with the
wait.
...?